One day I'll turn around and see your hand reach out.... I'm only fooling myself

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Jo's friend wrote this paper for a feminist english professor. I don't necessarily agree with the whole paper, but I found it to be entertaining. So although it is long, when you have a moment it's worth the read.


Provo, Utah. I love it. That is, usually love it. Not today though. It’s one of those days, you know? One of those days where, you accidentally set your alarm to P.M. instead of A.M. Those days where you race to the bus stop and just as you arrive, the bus drives away without you. One of those days where, as you walk into class the teacher pauses, and stares you down. He just wants to let you know, that he knows, you are late. And as you finally take a seat in the middle of the row, where you had to climb over everyone and all their crap, you realize you left the assignment that was due on your desk at home. Yea, it’s one of those days.

Today is just not my day, and since it’s not my day, I am going to see to it that it is not anyone else’s day either. I do that, sweet, I know. I plan on slapping on one of those faces that says, “Are you serious right now?” the next time I see a painfully happy blond with her hair teased to high heavens. I plan on spitting out my gum on the sidewalk between the Wilkinson’s Center and the Library. I plan on “accidentally” tripping one of those guys who walks around with his blue tooth in his ear, like he’s so important. I will definitely try to walk right in between those overly comfortable couples who synchronize their steps and have their digits entwined. Honestly though, who can stand those people?

Why am I so bitter? Obviously I am having a crummy day, but what is it really? Boys. Yep, that’s it-- the root of all evil. Boys can bring out the best and the absolute worst in girls without even realizing it. Boys can make girls do the craziest things. I mean, they are the only reason we all wake up an hour earlier then necessary to blow dry, straighten, lift, trim, press, pluck, shave, wax, and steam ourselves into absolute discomfort. There is not a minute of any single day that passes without every single girl everywhere thinking about some boy. It’s true. A girl is not satisfied until the boy of her focus notices her. A girl’s day may be going grand: she may earn the high score on her exam, receive a raise at work, or finally complete a Rubik’s cube in less than three minutes. However, her day is leaps and bounds better when the boy who sits two seats in front of her and a row over turns around and comments on how her appearance looks very fetching that particular day. From that moment, on the list of the day’s events, the high score on the exam takes a back seat to the boy. Even though some boys may be too dense to realize it, a single girl’s world revolves around some boy, somewhere.

As a young lady in high school I can always remember my Mother telling me to hold out for college boys. Not the kind of normal college boys you may be thinking of, no, BYU college boys to be more specific. These boys were held to a higher standard in our household than normal boys. “BYU boys” are intelligent, honorable, well dressed, clean cut, respectful, handsome, put together, return missionaries, and ambitious. Basically, BYU boys were a dream.

It was the most disappointing day of my life when I realized that BYU boys are just that, a dream. I’ve been at BYU now for a little over two years and it has taken me about that long to admit to my self that BYU boys are just like all boys everywhere. My first two years here I spent dating a variety of boys and I just kept hoping that one of them would impress me. That one of them would prove me right, that there are a plethora of Prince Charmings in Provo, Utah. Sadly, this never happened. Needless to say, my dating life has been a stream of disappointments, but for some reason I have been choosing to keep my dreams alive. It wasn’t until this last semester that I realized that my expectations for BYU boys are completely unrealistic.

Let me prove my point. A few weeks ago I was out with a seemingly wonderful gentleman. He was an accomplished individual, with great taste and we instantly hit it off. I had previously decided not kiss him till at least our third date, with hopes that this would encourage a healthy relationship. Our first two outings were very enjoyable and I did kiss him on the third date. This is where things went terribly amuck. After our third date he announced that he had a fabulous time, but wanted to just be good friends. (Now I am confident that I am not a bad kisser, so lets just discredit this theory right now. I would be happy to provide a list of references if you need further proof.) What had just happened? What did I do wrong? I was full of questions and needed answers. Upon further questioning and probing, he admitted that he truly was all about the chase. It goes without saying that I was disappointed. I was not only disappointed that he did not want to pursue anything, I was frustrated that my whole “don’t-kiss- till-third-date” rule had completely failed in weeding out the jerks like it was intended to.

No guy is ever going to be perfect, he is never going to date me and only me, and like me immediately. No guy is going to bring me flowers on a first date, be a fabulous conversationalist, and continue to take me on regular dates-even after a few months. No guy is ever going to say all the right things or be all the right things. This just isn’t going to happen. As I stated before, the guys here are just like all guys everywhere. They will make a wonderful first impression, leaving you in the clouds, then drop off the face of the planet entirely. They play games and mess around, date you’re girlfriends behind your back. They are immature and self centered. They stop opening doors for you after the third date. They say all that you want to hear to make you feel that false connection, then never call again. Boys fake whatever they want, an image, a connection, an impression, till they get what they want. They use you.

So if I am so knowledgeable on the true nature of guys, why do I still permit myself to be fooled? That answers easy. I want to be fooled.

I want to believe that the perfect man is taking me on a date, that it is not all a facade. That he really does love being with me, that he really means it when he kisses me. I know I said that I’ve stopped dreaming this semester, but I lied. All girls dream. They dream that the ideal man is real, that he loves only them and that he is just waiting around the next corner. Wishful thinking.

So maybe it’s our fault. Maybe the perfect man for us does not really exist. We will eventually just find someone that puts on an act believable enough, and then spend the rest of our lives being too forgiving. He will hold the title of “Prince Charming” in our minds as we block out reality. It must be our fault.

It is our fault that we have grown up with Disney movies telling us that there is such thing as a Mr. Right, that dreams do come true. It is our fault that we have bought into all the mush, romance, and fictional dramas. It is our fault that we believe in fairytales. We hope and pray and wish these fantasies into our realities. All the while knowing, that these images of Princes and carriages are only fantasies, not real life occurrences. It is our fault that we are crushed after a painfully honest date. It is our fault that we are repeatedly broken hearted. A perfect man does not exist in any non-fiction realm.

I don’t want to believe that though. I want to believe that a real-live Mr. Wonderful is out there. One who says he loves me and truly means it. One who is perfect for me, and only me. I want to be fooled.


Heather said...

It cracks me up that you posted this because my roomie and I were talking about how great Jim and Pam are and I said that isn't reality, and she was shocked... she still believes in fairy tale relationships. So this was just so funny to read.

"C" said...

haha I TOTALLY HAD ONE OF THOSE DAYS TODAY and this put the biggest smile on my face! It just fits so perfectly with my life right now! I'm pretty sure my prince charming got lost in the woods somewhere since dating has completely sucked lately and yet i too still want to be fooled. some dreams i guess are meant to stay dreams!

Post a Comment