And honestly to look you in the eye, it's easier to lie

Friday, December 9, 2011

I have a beautiful, healthy baby.

It'd be really easy to just post pictures of her and pretend life is shiny and perfect. It's easy to only mention the funny ancedotes and happy moments and allow everyone else to fill in the blanks with visions of a well adjusted mom who has finally reached her calling in life.

But why do I have to lie?

Because I'm afraid you'll quit reading? Possibly. But people listen to horribly depressing songs all the time. Because I'm afraid to admit I'm not perfect? Perhaps. Doesn't everyone want to be the person who makes it all seem easy. Because I am too prideful? Obviously. I only have one kid, and a supportive husband and my pride tells me that I am extremely capable of taking care of a baby.

And yet...

I feel like I'm falling apart. I feel defeated... by a cute (not so chubby) 8 lb baby girl.

I can't say that there's been one thing to tip me over the edge. It's everything. The three 2 hour bouts of sleep because of nighttime feedings that are supposed to get me from day to day are definitely catching up with me. The physical pain that typically begs a few days rest to recover, which will never happen. The heartbreak of that ;ittle quivering bottom lip when I can't figure out what my baby needs followed by desperation to make the crying stop. The inability to stay on top of chores, which equals a dirty home and is not helping with the lack of peace in my life. The exhaustion that compels me to collapse whenever possible, verses the need to stay on top of daily tasks and needs such as bathing and eating. The guilt of not doing anything to meet Cary's needs, when he's the only thing getting me from day to day.

And then of course there is my body image--i place way too much value on my appearance. The philosophy it took 9 months to gain the weight, it'll take time to lose it doesn't comfort me. My previously flat sculpted stomach from hours of concentrated workouts is now in a sad state of shriveled excess skin and stretch marks that no amount of ab workouts will ever make look half as good as helen mirren in a bikini. Nothing fits, which often crushes all resolve to get out and pull myself out of this rut. I pull the fat pants back on and one of Cary's t-shirts and allow myself to stay in all day.

If I could change even one thing would it be enough? I don't know. I suppose the only therapy I could come up with was to get it off my chest. So here it is.

Please don't feel the need to come to my rescue.

Like the title says "it's easier to lie." Ah, the weird quirk of my generation. We'll post our darkest feelings on the internet, but if you ask us point blank, we'll lie.

I have a case of the baby blues. Perhaps, I just needed to write it down so I remember what to expect next time.

Despite it all,
Let's just say,
I'm not so down that I don't still thank the heavens every day that I'm no longer pregnant!

Oh and for those who just look for pictures (I know you do mom, it's ok :) Here's a little humor to sum it all up.


Kaley said...

I think you're great and I love all three of you. Though I could handle seeing just a couple more pictures of the youngest one. Good luck!

Matt and Mari said...

I feel like I'm falling apart and I don't even have the baby excuse! You're awesome and I miss you.
PS- my friend wrote an awesome poem-

elizabeth said...

there were days my blog fell silent because I was beyond miserable and the other days I lied. I feel for you.

elizabeth said...

p.s. I feel like my comment was negative, maybe I should have said something happier? Like, it doesn't last forever? But I think people said that to me and I wanted to punch them in the face...too negative again??

Marisha said...

I feel like this almost every day, I just don't have the time or energy to write a post about it! My mommy blues didn't hit until she was 3 months old. Being a new first time mom is hard work, and not very rewarding yet. I keep hoping I'll get something awesome out of all this craziness. :) I keep promising M a pony, a car, a house, anything she wants if she'll just eat/sleep/stop crying/ etc! :)

DeeAura said...

I'm glad you wrote it, and I'm glad you posted it. I love you, my friend, and one of the reasons I love you is because you can look the hard stuff in the eye and find a way to get through it. It's one of the things you always helped me do. :) So there you go. I don't have any anecdotes but if I were there, consider this my HUGE HUG and an offer to hold the baby while you did whatever it was you needed/wanted to do, and then I'd clean your house. Then I'd kick you out to go out for a hot night on the town with your "hot co-worker" (hahah) and then understand when you came back 30 min later to check on your little one. ;) Basically, I just wish I was there to come see you every now and again. Love you, friend. Mucho.

Mary said...

Even though it does get easier {and I have a feeling it might get easier faster when you don't have two}, I still feel like this ALL THE TIME. I think one of the biggest issues I faced after the babies were born was accepting how everything was different. My body felt fat and ugly, I felt like I struggled all day and still didn't get anything done, and often I thought that my babies would be happier if they had a more capable mother. It major sucks.

A few ways I deal: some days I try to be Superwoman, and other days I let all three of us stay in our pajamas until Daddy gets home; I've decided there are some things I'm never going to get done, like folding laundry; I pray that I'll find joy in my life; I pray that even though it's not physically possible with the amount of sleep I get, I'll still have energy; and I tell myself {since I can't do everything for both of them, all the time} that it's good for my babies to cry sometimes.

If this comment has been at all helpful to you, then I'm glad. If it's not, feel free to tell me to go to hell in your head. :)

jessamyn said...

Not knowing how to make your baby stop crying and the hideous post baby body were the worst, they really were.

Amanda Swafford said...

There's nothing I can say to make you feel better, but I have so much empathy for you! I remember so many days when I spent the entire day in bed because I couldn't get Olivia to another part of the house by myself. So many days I'd cry because she was crying and I didn't know why.

There are so many un-fun things about having a new baby, and it was so brave and honest of you to put them out there!

It WILL get better, but if you get to feeling especially hopeless don't forget that postpartum depression is a REAL thing and if you think you might have it you should tell your doctor and let them help you until your body evens itself out.

Post a Comment